Sunday, October 23, 2011


***Before I start this post, I want to put a disclaimer about what I am going to be talking about. Last year I was professionally diagnosed with Clinical Depression and will be talking about MY emotional/ mental issues throughout this post. Please do not read this if the subject offends you, or may upset you. This is a personal post about decisions I have made WITH my doctor's approval. Please do not follow anything that I say for your own personal issues, as it is not meant to be. If you have any feelings of sadness that you think you need help understanding, please seek professional advice. You can skip down to the other half of this post, shown by a line, in order to read about my weekend. ***

I wanted to bring up a very personal topic on the blog today. Depression. It's a word that has so much stigma attached to it. It's a word that can be used to describe a lot of feelings, and is very easily misused. Therefore, after being diagnosed with Clinical Depression last year, I have taken a lot of time thinking about what that really means.

I'm still not very sure, but with medication trials and working on my issues, we decided that as long as I stay up to date with my appointments and be true to my feelings, that I don't have to take western stylized medication.

(I keep erasing things because I'm not sure what exactly I want to say here, I do get embarrassed about this, but I think I need to talk about it) Know that this decision has not erased OR accelerated my issues. I know exactly what I feel when I have an episode and I know that I am going through one right now. In fact, I've felt this feeling for the past few weeks, I know when it starts, it intensifies, and then releases it's hold. I'm at the climax at the moment.
It is more than a sadness, it's quite unexplainable to be honest. It's kind of like (for me) a hollow emptiness mixed with bitter anger and yet again devoid of feeling, at any moment you start crying but you don't know why. You can't associate with other people because you can't understand normal human behavior (hi, how was your day, look at the weather etc).

Anyway I just wanted to let you know, I'm okay. I can recognize the feelings I have and I do things in order to take care of myself when I feel this way. Not going to get into that because I don't want someone to self medicate.

Just know that this is the place I am in and it's hard, but I will make it through. It didn't help that my weight is totally out of whack, and I'm up two (consistent) pounds. In this emotional state, it is VERY easy to say ugly things about yourself, so I'm trying my best not to, however I know I'm failing so far.

But you know what? I've worked very hard these past two weeks. I'm never going to give up, just like in life. Things are hard for everyone, but I've lost 70 pounds and I'm GOING to make it 100. Sure, it's taken me a long time, but I'm going to reach my goals, Just wait and see.

(How perfect is this picture!? I'm in my ugly suit for work, It's raining outside, and my surroundings are gray buildings and dumpsters...)

Writing that was really hard for me. I write my blog for therapeutic reasons and sometimes it's important to NOT give in to keeping things Taboo.


Marc and I went to Six Flags yesterday, which was fun. The scary people didn't come out until we were starting to leave so I was happy. When we first got there I was feeling sick and getting to the worst part of my personal mental issues, so I was having a hard time keeping a smile. We waited in line for hours for rides that were over just as fast as they began. We were there for seven hours and rode 4 rides. The lines for the coasters were averaging an hour wait a piece. Not fun.

This was actually about 1/8th of the total line for the Batman roller coaster. You can see it goes right out of the gate. One line snagged all of the way through the park. I know that line was at least a quarter mile long, it snakes around and around so it doesn't seem as long,. I'm glad we didn't try to wait for that one.

Marc actually admitted to me he had forgotten how crowded, and how long the waits were to get on the coasters. One fun thing we did was a show they had in the theater! It was a hypnotist show, and we laughed so hard! I'm glad that's how we ended our trip, I wish I would have been picked to be hypnotized!

After the amusement park, we went to the Nike outlet store. I was in desperate need for new sneakers.

This was my old pair that had numerous holes. I like Nike's because I got these second hand and they've lasted me about 8 or so years? They probably should have been retired a bit earlier but I couldn't let go!

Please welcome my new shoes!

They are SO light, and can flex a lot!

Even more than this, I just couldn't flex it as much one-handed.

I'm excited to try them out, as tomorrow Marc and I are going to try out the Gym.

Take care of yourselves, I'll be sure to keep my head up.



Amanda said...

I originally wrote a really long comment about my own personal experiences with depression, but decided it was too long to post. Mostly, I just wanted to say I understand. Especially when you say it's not a sadness, but something that's harder to describe. For me, it was the scraping off of emotion that I could feel. I would react to things in a completely exaggerated manor, but couldn't feel the emotions causing me to react. It was like being disconnected from myself. Then, when it broke, I became connected again, had a couple of very miserable hours where I hid away, and after that I would be fine for a few months. So yeah, I just wanted to say I understand, and i hope you get through this next little while okay.

Czesia said...

Thank you Amanda, I really appreciate the support. I'm glad you could understand where I am coming from. It's hard but I'll be ok :)

Mollie said...

I'm sorry you feel that way chet...I know it's hard to deal with that...I really do.

Glad the scary people didn't come out for ya either...hate that stuff! lol

Czesia said...

Thanks Mollie. Their costumes were crazy, like flattened noses and everything!

The Mrs said...

Good for you for having the courage to write about your personal experience. I hope you find what works for you.

Jealous on the coaster thing, I can't wait until I can do that but I get it about the crowds. It's been almost 20 years since I've been to an amusement park as a rider and I can only imagine how annoying the crowds have gotten since then.

Like the new shoes!