Sunday, October 9, 2011

Are you mad at me yet?

Aggravated.

I worked my ass off this week and gained, not lost weight. The gain wasn't no 1 pounder either. I'm so upset. These things happen, and I'm not perfect but it's VERY hard to stay motivated when you get some news like this. I know it's water, but it just makes me mad. Marc and I calculated my BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate) and decided that in order for me to lose 1 pound per week I need to eat 1390 calories and burn around 300 calories per day. I was eat FAR less per day, about 1,000 calories and only burning about 1,00 calories per week. This way I will lose weight, but not be under the 1200 calorie mark which I was told screwed with my metabolism this past week. I'm game, but I'm so frustrated.


The bigger issue I'm having to come to terms with is (and has peaked my frustration) was looking at some old pictures I found while cleaning out a drawer in the closet and was MAD at what I saw. I mean PISSED OFF because I was so fat and I had grown comfortable in my skin. No one ever told me that I needed to lose weight, there is no way that the outside world couldn't see that I was fat but I would deny how heavy I was because I was always told I looked good when I asked. no one ever told me the truth, and I believed in the lie because I wanted to believe it. I feel upset because I was in such denial and I didn't have someone to tell me the truth...the truth was that I was KILLING MYSELF. Before y'all get upset with me, I know weight loss is completely, 100% the responsibility of said overweight individual.
To be honest, I would look at people and say man they are really heavy and not see that I was probably bigger than them. I had no idea. I'm mad because I wish someone wouldn't have said to me "Chetney, you look great" and would have actually said "Chetney, let's go for a walk", or "Chetney, is something bothering you at home, let's talk it out" .

I look back at it, and I think...do I do that? Do I notice when people around me are floundering? I hope I do? I would never come up to a friend and be like "wow you're gaining weight, what's up"? I would (and do) however, say something like "do you want to go to the park with me", something like that. Have you had any conversations with the ones you love? Please do, because as a women in transition, I feel really upset about it. I know we judge people daily, and we don't want to be rude but...

I think being courageous means saving someone's life, not keeping them in denial.

Let's start a conversation. If we can't talk to the one's we love, who can we talk to?





6 comments:

rachel.muchmore said...

I know gaining after a "good week" is like a suckerpunch to the gut. Honestly it could be "catch-up" weight from when your mom visited, or just water weight. Either way, you'll get it off. I definitely know what you mean about no one telling you and being in denial. I always knew I was overweight, but I definitely didn't realize how bad it was for a long time. Not even a doctor. I would expect that if a doctor sees a patient who is morbidly obese (which I was! 100 lbs over a healthy BMI), that they would feel responsible to say something. Nope. Never. Not even my OB this pregnancy. The extent of bringing up my weight was "you should gain between 11-20 lbs this pregnancy". That's it. No "you need to change your diet and exercise so that you don't get preeclampsia again or gestational diabetes". I mean thankfully I've figured it out by now, but you know there was a time when I was unaware. Like you said, I would look at people who were probably smaller than me and think it was the other way around. As much as it hurts to realize the ugly truth, it is so much worse staying in that place because you don't realize how deep of a hole you are in. Or maybe you do but you don't know how to start to climb out.

SlimKatie said...

Just a reminder--Don't forget to e-mail your info to me ASAP! I'm going to Arizona on Wednesday, so I want to get the info to Ron at NuNaturals.

Amanda said...

It's hard, because I think many people are perfectly well aware of their size and either don't feel able to take care of it, or have problems we simply can't know about. I would have been mortified if someone had come talked to me. I knew I had a problem and I also knew that no matter what I did, nothing made any difference. It was horrible to be that out of control, and I know now that it WAS outside my control, and no amount of talking would have helped. It would have just sent my self-esteem lower and make me gain more. :/

SlimKatie said...

Czesia, I am such an IDIOT--I accidentally had you e-mail me at the wrong address! Would you mind re-sending it to SlimKatie(at)runsforcookies(dot)com? Don't worry, it's not too late--and SO SORRY for the hassle!

Czesia said...

Katie- omg no hassle, I'm still super appreciative of even winning!! I'm so excited!
Amanda- I know what you mean, I think it would be hard to hear it. I think if said imaginary person tried to help me by working out with me, showing me the ropes of eating better etc that I would feel good and not so ad that I would eat more?? I am so serious when I tell you I was in denial. I had no idea how big I had gotten.
Rachel- My doctors really never talked about weight loss with me either. Not since 3rd grade when I gained 40lbs in a summer, but he was so nasty I was ashamed. There is such a way to go about it. I feel like I keep saying it was someone else's responsibility to help me but I really don't. I just think that it would have been SO HELPFUL!

If yall ever need anything please let me know! omg! I'll be sure to let you know if I need anything LOL!

Deanna said...

THIS HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME, I WONT SEE RESULTS FOR WEEKS AND THEN ALL THE SUDDEN THERE GOES 5-8LBS IN ONE WEEK, YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER WHAT YOU DO/DONT DO THIS WEEK WONT SHOW FOR A COUPLE WEEKS BUT IT WILL END UP SHOWING, SO DONT GET FRUSTRATED OR UNMOTIVATED ITS A HASSLE WE ALL WANT TO SEE RESULTS RIGHT THEN BUT GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT AND WORK FOR IT LOL