Monday, August 11, 2014

Czesia Confessions

*Beware honesty and emotion afoot!*

So, a lot of you know that my Dad passed away in May. This sucks. There are no words. But. It. Sucks. It sucks so bad that I have crawled into a shell of myself this summer. I know it, everyone knows it. Let's face it, I've been different. I can tell you now that I've been in the worst depression of my life. I've always been known to numb pain by eating and this time has been no different. I've sunken into this terrible hole were there is only binge eating, just like 230 pound Czesia used to do. I can't even tell you what it feels like to look at these photos.

The memories from these photos I love, in fact they were some of the best times I've had this summer. You might look at them and just see Czesia, but I look at them like "who is this imposter?"
 So Czesia confession time...I've gained at least 20 pounds. This is my struggle in life. I am smart, kind, vivacious, adventurous, loving, and positive. I also have a weight problem, and I will always have a weight problem. The way I deal with eating doesn't have to be this way though, and I want beat this.  
So I am.
Welcome to the Czesia Lives Blog a new daily post entitled Three Squares. Three Squares is a lifestyle change that I have commited to where I will take a picture of everything I eat, and everything I eat with be in the "three square meals". I will no longer snack at all. What fits on my plate I will allow myself to eat. I will not obsess about calorie counts/ fat grams/ ratios of fats carbs and protein. Some people can handle this, I used to be able to handle this, but I'm not the same person anymore. I can't focus my life around the numbers which cause me to obsess, be famished and then binge. I will eat a balanced meal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Nothing more, nothing less. I will support this lifestyle with exercising for one hour 6 to 7 days a week. Is this a realistic goal? Yes. My husband works at a gym, I have a membership, I have free time..done. It will happen. It has to. I refuse to revert back into someone who isn't me.
So faithful readers I've come to reclaim this land as Czesia 's Three Squares (which so far has been an extreme sucess). There will still be posts with recipes, life updates, etc. There just might be more than one post a day, and that's ok. This is my accountability. This is my salvation.
Without further ado: a post within a post: My first full day on Three Squares (8/10/14)
Breakfast: Greek yogurt, oatmeal, blueberries, raisin bran crunch, banana and iced black coffee
Lunch: Mexican Inspired potato skins (cumin spiced kidney beans, corn, black olives, cilantro, tomato), blueberry applesauce, peppers, tortillas and salsa.
Dinner: Hummus veggie wrap, Kale Blueberry Salad with crushed tortillas, and radishes with cottage cheese and onion.
Exercise= 45 minutes spinning and 15 minutes beating the shit out of a punching bag whilst crying (felt good).
 I am also trying not to freak over what I will be eating either, so if I start thinking too much about what I am going to eat next I try and think of something else. I am also only going to be drinking socially (one drink unless hella special occasion, and something that I love, not some shitty sugary cocktail).
Although this was tough to write, and a bit long winded. I'm glad it's out there. My name is Chetney, I am a food addict. I refuse to give myself up for this, and I hope you will join me for the ride.


Amanda said...

Oh sweetie, I'm in a similar place. No deaths, but something also very depressing and negative going on (posted about it on Spark today, privately, because I won't talk about it publicly). I've put back on about 20 lbs since May. Depression itself seems to do that to me. :( *hugs* I know nothing I can say can really help. Just know I understand where you're coming from.

Ashleigh said...

Thank you for sharing this tough stuff. For those of us who love you I can say: we will be reading, crying, and laughing along with you on this journey back to your self. It's been a summer... and there are many more seasons to come. Love you lady. Xoxo

Czesia said...

Thank you both so much for you support. It helps more than you will know to have you in my corner.

Frickin' Fabulous at 40 said...

Interesting... everything still looks very healthy though! Are you avoiding "dessert" foods completely? That's my weakness, too!!

Czesia said...

I'm avoiding them for the most part. I think I'll have a couple bites at parties or special occasions but it should go on my plate in order to "count".